Wild Ninja

When people get scared, they express their terror in many different ways. My mom sucks in as much air as possible and then holds her breath. Yep, she is strange. When my husband is scared he flails his arms and screams. He doesn't realize at that moment that he is a large, strong man; he just believes he is about to be squished by a monster. But, when I am scared the only emotion I feel is intense and violent rage. Apparently I hate being scared above all other situations on earth.

I have been known to react in many different ways, but they are all mean.

I am not normally a person who over-reacts. I don't experience road rage. I don't yell. I don't hit walls or throw things. But, when fear is coursing through my body, I turn into a ninja. Not an artful, graceful ninja. A wild ninja.

In college my friend, Lori, snuck into my dorm room and scared me from behind. I palm struck her in her face. She fell to the ground with a bloody nose.

My kids find this reaction fascinating and are forever putting me to the test. I have tried my hardest to tame my violent streak, and I have done a moderate job. I no longer aim for the face. When the white-hot fury tells me KILL THE SCARY, I launch into ninja attack, but, the voice of reason tells me THE SCARY IS JUST A SMALL CHILD, so, at the last second, I adjust my aim for chest level. This backfired on Josiah one day. He jumped at me from behind a corner, and thinking to avoid a pummeling, he ducked. He got hit in the face that time, but by then he outweighed me and could take it.

When Makenna scared me recently, I just grabbed her face with both of my hands and screamed at her from a quarter inch away. It terrified her, so she screamed back at me. Her scream made me scream even louder and longer, so we just stood there, nose to nose, screaming at each other. It scared her worse than it scared me, so she may have learned her lesson.

Emery has it figured out the best, I think. She and Drake hid behind a wall, and when I walked around the corner she screamed like a deadly swamp monster and then immediately fell to the floor. Drake, who did not realize that the plan he was a part of included scaring his Ninja Mom, received the jab, cross, jab intended for the swamp monster while Emery rolled around, laughing, on the floor.

Maybe I need relaxation exercises. Or maybe everyone should STOP SCARING ME!!