Butt Water

The garlic bread was a dark shade of midnight, the oven had not preheated, and the washing machine had sprung a leak squirting soapy water all over the floor of the mudroom and kitchen when I finally took a moment to race to the upstairs computer and proofread a paper Josiah needed to email to his teacher by 6:00.

"Josiah," I vaguely heard Drake say as I concentrated on capitalization, "did you use my towel?"
"Maybe. I don't remember," Josiah answered.
"Don't use my towel," Drake told him.
"Why not?"
"I use it a couple of times before I put it in the wash, and I don't want to use it if you have used it too."
"It's not a big deal. I'm clean when I get out of the shower, so it shouldn't matter if you use it after me."
"I think it is a big deal, and I don't want you to use my towel," Drake said.

"Well, I think it isn't a big deal."
"Well, it is my towel, so don't use it."
"Josiah," I spoke over my shoulder after deciding that Josiah's logic in declaring that The Enlightenment was only somewhat enlightened needed a little tweaking, "don't use Drake's towel." Thinking my statement would shut down the argument that was brewing, I returned to the essay to insert some badly needed commas.

"I probably will," Josiah whispered just loud enough for the sound to penetrate my proofreading trance.
"Josiah!" I spun around, abandoning the proofreading and glaring at him with my frazzled mother stare. "I don't want you to use Drake's towel. Why is this an issue to you?"
"Well, I just think you guys are overreacting."
"Overreacting?" I took one deep calming breath. Then I launched. "Well, Mister, I'm not overreacting. It is hygienic. Don't use other people's towels. Hopefully you are clean when you get out of the shower, but you still use the towel to clean all your gross parts. And that water gets onto the towel. Drake doesn't want to use a towel that is full of your butt water. And you shouldn't use a towel full of his butt water."
"She said butt water," Josiah told Drake.
"You did, Mom," Drake laughed. "You said butt water."

They didn't stop laughing for a long, long time.

I sometimes work against myself.