Bathroom Nonsense

All I am saying is that using the bathroom in the wee hours of the night is complicated. It is not to be attempted by the faint of heart.

I couldn't help it though. I woke up and knew I would need to make the trek through the bedroom to the bathroom. A treacherous walk. There are numerous obstacles placed in the pitch dark just waiting to take me down. So I was already mad. Angrily, I kicked the unknown objects out of my way, only stubbing my toe once.

Then things just got bizarre. I sat in the logical place, on the toilet. But things just felt wrong. Very wrong. Unfortunately, the message telling me STOP! SOMETHING IS WRONG!! took about thirty-nine seconds to reach my mind. Thirty-nine seconds is too long. The deed was done.

I had peed my pants on the toilet.

Apparently, middle-of-the-night logic told me to just sit down and get to business and neglected the part about first removing the pajama pants.

I was stuck. I considered my options carefully. There weren't many.

"Mike! Help!"
"What do you need?" his sleepy voice called from the paradise of his pillow.
"Help me!"
"What happened?" I heard him making the stumbly voyage across the dark obstacle course of the bedroom floor.
"I peed."
"Well, that seems logical," he said rubbing his eyes.
"Yeah, but I forgot to pull down my pants first, so I peed my pants on the toilet."

I cannot explain in words the look upon his face at that moment. It was kind of a mix between WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS and YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING.

"What would you have me do about this situation," he asked.
"Fix it." DUH.