Speaker Phone

I've never thought of myself as someone who has an abnormally fat face. But my phone does. Apparently, during my phone conversations, my cheek becomes animated and does surprising things. It will often touch the button on the screen that mutes me. This is irritating. My cheek also dials numbers causing a loud beep to frighten both me and my listener. Again - irritating. My cheek has also been known to randomly dial someone from my contact list changing my two-way conversation to a surprising three-way phone call.

The most common thing my cheek does is to suddenly touch the button on the screen that changes my conversation to speaker phone. In the grocery store, in the waiting room at the doctor's office, in a car full of people, my private conversation is suddenly loud and public.

This happened recently as I was talking to my husband while driving a car full of teenagers to church. I had forced him to watch a television show with me that was certainly intended for a female audience. Halfway through the show, he admitted he was mildly interested in the characters, and by the end of the show he admitted that he had actually enjoyed it. I was telling him that I was thankful that he had watched a show I had picked out instead of Transformers or some other manly show that I can barely stand. He told me the show had surprised him and, in fact, he would watch the next one with me because he had actually enjoyed it that much.

That is when my cheek took action and he was unknowingly and suddenly on speaker phone. Which is unfortunate because his next sentence was, "I GUESS I AM MUCH MORE FEMININE THAN I KNEW." It was loud. It was shocking. It was said to an audience of our teenage children and their teenage friends who had spent the night.

I nearly crashed trying to hang up.

Then I nearly crashed from laughing.

I'm not nice.